Wild West of the Heart

"I want to use this opportunity to welcome you back to school. And i hope you had all the fun over the short holidays-" His voice echoed through the room as he held the mic closer to his lips. Adjusting his glasses, he stepped forward.

Collins.

Fucking rapist, Collins McPhersons.

All nerdy and stern looking, commanding respect with each word. His eyes were hazel, like the autumn leaves and you could mistake him for someone that spent his whole life abroad.

There were rumors when he first came about how he taught at CampBells, one of the most prestigious secondary schools in Nigeria, and much less than Hillway High. But he'd resigned.

It didn't make sense how someone would settle for less, unless there was a story. A story no one knew about. And if you stare deep into those hazel eyes, you'd see that story. The mystery, the part of him that he kept a secret. The rapey, criminal Collins.

The one before us was all a facade, but then again, he wasn't the only one guilty of this.

"As you all may know the exams for the first semester are drawing closer and these will be the last you would take of the school. This is known as your mock examinations and all of it would stand as your final continuous assessment. We all know from next year, you'll have much more like the Joint Admissions Matriculation Board and the WAEC to face"

"I could only wish you goodluck in those but the hardwork you put, starts now" Obi gazed at him, narrowing his eyes as if strangling him with them.

He could if he had the chance, and if there wasn't anything like prison. I mean, Collins himself had done way worse. And killing him, is what is known as purging.

He loved the final year assemblies, somehow he got more comfortable speaking to us alone than with the rest of the school and honestly sometimes it felt like it was only a grade twelve school.

You barely saw the juniors walking around like those days. Except when it was lunch, and even if you did, no one even cared.

"Hey" Someone brushed Obi's shoulders before he finally took his eyes off that man, it was Fiyin, who struggled with the bag across her shoulders.

Obi's lips fell apart, not sure what to say in that instant that she looked up the stage.

There he was, the man who'd abused her.

There were those flashes before her eyes again as she saw him. It was the first time since it happened and she forced a lump down her throat. "Fiyin-"

"I'm fine" She interrupted Obi. It was yet another lie, because how dare he. How dare he stand there and act as if nothing happened. How dare he dress in a suit and use his saintly voice on them. How dare he speak of virtues and morals.

"Are you sure?" Obi asked again. And she shook her head, as if letting all those thoughts dissolve. She held unto the strap of her baf and turned to her side. She saw Anna from a distance, and they both shared a lukewarm stare at each other. She never came up to Obi first thing in the morning, until today. And she could tell what Anna's words will be by lunch. How she was hanging out with the loser. And maybe, why.

She faced down, and Obi noticed. So he backed away, muttering under his lips. "I get it" But Fiyin grasped his palm, finally touching him in years.

But then she let go suddenly. "It's not that" She did the thing where she nervously shook her head.

"I'm actually okay. I just need to get through the day" She added. "And i need you and Ola to do just that" She continued. "Besides, where's he?" "Who?" Obi dumbly asked.

-

"Mide" Obi urged.

His feet dug into the sands on the bank as he looked to him. "Say something" He said and Ola's lips just parted slightly. "I_"

"I knew i shouldn't have said anything. But it doesn't even matter because i stopped?" He said, in a questioning tone.

As if that made any difference.

He thought about it in that moment, what stopping his hormones meant for him. I mean, did it mean he was no longer trans? That he was detransitioning.

In a time where physical features were the only barriers between the genders. And the prize of femininity to trans women, what did it mean if he was off his feminizing hormone therapy. I mean he was so much different from who he was years ago.

He wasn't even sure he wanted to be a female, it was why he was still very much comfortable being called male. Or referred to with he/him pronouns.

Not comfortable, maybe just neutral. The kind of neutral that made it not the worst thing in the world. He had bigger problems. He just hated some of those manly features like his muscles and his body hair, or his face structure which had only begun to ease off a little bit.

He liked to think it was getting somewhere, but all of that crashed the moment he heard of Jazzlyn. The one person that had told him to start, the one person that had encouraged him that one time to try it out. The one person he looked up

to. And she died. Loss like that has to take it's toll.

It was a reason he could very well relate to.

It's like one of those deaths that hits too close to home and leaves with a giant question mark of existential crisis above your head. Was it the fact that she was hated for being trans that scared him, or did he genuinely want to stop transitioning?

"No"

"No, Obi❞ Ola stretched his hands to him. "I'm sorry i was just taken by some surprise" He said and he let out a huge sigh. At least it wasn't a negative reply, or the infamous 'i always knew' . And that could be so invalidating.

"Since when? And what do you mean, stop?" Ola shook his head. "I genuinely have a lot of questions Obi, i mean are you happy?" He asked.

And Obi's lips morphed into a smile. His eyes began to sting with tears, and it glistened in the moonlight. "Honestly?" He turned to Ola. "Honestly"

"Honestly, i don't know" He said. "I stopped, to maybe take a break? Look how far i've come?" He said. "Since like a year and a half ago, i went to a doctor that Mira knew and he told me that before i started, i had to lose all of that weight" Ola could picture him as a kid. There were far more than a hundred pounds combined as kids.

"Which i did"

"So i could only get on my testosterone blockers then. I didn't start my estrogen until seven months ago. And it was then i begun to see changes" Obi whispered. "In my hair, and my body. And around" His eyes darted to his half bare chest. "I was happy. Or maybe it were some of my pills that boost serotonin levels. I couldn't tell. But then i stopped taking them after Jazz died" You could see how well his lips slouched as Obi looked away.

"Obi" He softly called. "Is this about what happened to her?" "Are you scared?" Olamide moved closer to him. And the tears fell from his eyes. "Well it certainly help with the doubts i already had before, it didn't help me" He replied. He laid his back on the ground, staring into the starful skies. "Look, nothing's going to happen to you" Olamide assured, without any proof.

"You can't be sure of that. Look at the way she was treated. Up until the day that she died. The way everyone hated her and still talks about her as the mad man, is a constant reminder of how cruelly the world treats people like us" He said. "And even after her death, you can't even get justice for her because in the eyes of people, because she was trans, she was less of a human being. I kept wondering, is that the life i want for myself?"

"Maybe hating my own body isn't so bad if people loved it. If people love me. Maybe it's all a price to pay for validation" Obi continued before finall shutting his eyes.

Now that, Ola didn't understand that.

To be continued...