Variation: A Novel

NYFouette92: I’d check the website because it looks like the cast sheet has changed again. MBC needs to get their shit together.

Three and a half weeks after unpacking the last box, I thought about Allie as I drove past Swan Lake on my way to what was now my home.

Not that I only thought about her around the lake. No, I thought about her while I unpacked, while I hiked the trailheads behind my house, when I woke up, while I was at work, and every second I lay in bed before falling asleep. The only time I didn’t think about Allie was when I was in the water, which made me volunteer for every possible duty.

I’d only been here twenty-seven days and already had a reputation of being reckless, but that note had probably transferred with my file.

Every muscle ached as I pulled into the long driveway that I’d probably curse myself for choosing every time I had to snowplow in the coming months, but I loved the privacy of my house in the woods. For the first time in years, my life felt like . . . mine again.

My brow furrowed at the sight of a new red SUV parked dead center in front of my two-car garage. Temp plates were registered in Massachusetts.

I groaned as I put my car in park behind it. As much as I missed Juniper and Caroline, I was not up for a surprise visit, nor did I feel like sharing my space with Gavin or showing Mom and Dad around a town I wasn’t quite familiar with yet. Not to mention I was supposed to be on an airplane tomorrow morning.

“For fuck’s sake, do none of them know how to use a phone?” I muttered.

Every muscle in my body ached as I got out of the truck, protesting the hours I’d spent in a rather angry ocean, but I pocketed my keys and trudged up the steps to the red wraparound porch that had made me fall for this place hook, line, and sinker. No one was waiting at the front door, so I made my way around to the back.

And then I ceased to breathe, and blinked my eyes to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

“Good girl.” Allie’s back was to me as she took the ball from Sadie’s mouth and hurled it into the backyard. The little golden raced down the deck steps and scrambled after her target.

My heart jolted at the sound of her voice, then pounded when I recognized the faded, raggedy hoodie she was currently wearing.

“Allie?” I asked quietly, like she was a specter that would vanish if I said it too loudly.

She jumped and turned toward me with her hand splayed over the Rip Curl logo on her chest. “Damn, Hudson, you scared me!”

“Scared you? I live here.” My gaze raked over her, taking in every detail I’d missed over the last two months. There were no noticeable changes other than the fact that somehow she looked even better. Healthier. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold, the circles under her eyes had disappeared, and her eyes were bright, but she twisted Lina’s ring around her finger nervously as she looked me over too. Hurt to say it, but leaving me looked really good on her.

“Well, yeah.” She pulled her hair over one shoulder as Sadie ran up the stairs, wagging her tail. Allie grabbed the ball and threw it again, earning the same result. “But I’ve been here a couple of hours, so you startled me, that’s all.”

“Hours?” What the hell was going on? “Are you okay? Is everything okay at home?”

“I’m fine,” she assured me with a shaky smile. “And I think everyone’s doing the same as they were when I left a week ago. Hope you don’t mind that Caroline gave me your address.” She twisted Lina’s ring and took a deep breath. “Hudson, my mother isn’t teaching at some exclusive boarding school.”

“She isn’t?” The subject change gave me whiplash, but she had my full attention.

Allie shook her head. “No. She has frontotemporal dementia with primary progressive aphasia. She’s been in the assisted living facility she chose for about two years, and Anne has been in control of all her affairs. No one knows. Just Anne, and Eva, and Eloise, and Kenna, and Caroline . . . I told her so that she could have Juniper tested for the gene. The three of us are clear, but Lina never knew to get tested. And now you know. Anyway, the last time she left was for the Giselle performance, and she’s gone downhill pretty fast since then.”

“Holy shit, Allie.” My heart broke for her. She’d been dealing with that the entire time? “I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you.” She twisted the ring again. “It’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine, but it’s just a fact of my life at this point, and I figured telling you was the first step to letting you in. All the way.”

“All the way,” I repeated, my brain spinning to wrap itself around the concept that she was here, that she was telling me things I didn’t have to pry out of her.

“Did you realize it took a week to drive here?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said slowly. “Why did you drive all the way from Massachusetts?”

“Because that’s where I bought the car,” she said equally slowly. “Did you notice? It’s the first car I’ve ever bought. It’s red.” Her smile widened.

“Yeah, I noticed.” I walked two steps closer, then shoved my hands in my pockets to keep from reaching for her. “But why did you drive here? And what are you going to do with a car in Manhattan?”

Her smile slipped. “I didn’t want to put Sadie on a plane.” She looked down at her hands. “And because I was afraid if I called, you would tell me not to come. So, I bought a car, and we drove. And took a ferry.”

This time when Sadie ran back, I threw the ball for her after a quick scratch behind her ears. “The chances of me telling you not to come are zero, and less than zero if you picked up the phone.”

“So, I should have called,” she said softly. “Look, if you’re busy, or if there’s someone you’re expecting—”

“Someone I’m expecting? Like I’ve just moved on in the past couple months? Like there’s anyone on the fucking planet who could possibly take your place?” I tipped her chin up so I could look in her eyes. “Is that what you did? Went back to New York and tried to replace me?”

“Of course not.” Her eyes narrowed, and she jerked her chin out of my grasp. “I just drove here from the East Coast. I hardly think that’s conducive to having a boyfriend.”

“Oh, for fuck.” I ripped my cover off my head and folded the blue cap, sticking it into the back pocket of my pants. “You have to help me out and tell me what you’re doing here, love, because I’m thirty seconds from carrying you into my room and making good on that little plan to keep you in my bed.”

“That sounds great.” She nodded.

I backed up a step. “Don’t screw with me.”

“Do you think I’d drive all the way here to not screw with you?” A corner of her mouth rose, and I was a goner.

Three steps later, I had her back against the wall, my hands in her hair and my tongue in her mouth. I kissed her like I’d been thinking about her every second since she’d left, using every ounce of skill I had to steal her breath.

She pulled me closer and pushed up into the kiss, slanting her head in that little way she had of telling me to deepen it, so I did. She tasted like lemonade and the beach, hot summer days with hotter nights, and I groaned at the feeling of finally being home. I wanted her bare skin under my hands, her soft thighs locked around my hips—

I ripped my mouth away from hers and backed across the deck to put some much-needed space between us, noting that Sadie had given up on us entirely and was now happily curled up near the door.

“Why did you stop?” Allie pushed off the wall.

“Nope.” I held out my hand. “You stay there until you tell me why you’re here.”

“Right.” She slid her hands into the back pockets of her curve-hugging jeans, and my resolve unraveled to a single thread. “I’m here because I want you.”

I gripped the deck railing and begged my body to obey the order to stay. “You’re going to have to be a little more specific than that, because it seems like a really long trip for a few orgasms.” I refused to get my hopes up, not when losing her destroyed me every time she walked away. If this was just a visit, I needed to know.

“How much more detail do you need when my car is packed to the brim with everything I own, Hudson?”

Yes. And boom, my mouth was on hers again. Need barreled down my spine like a freight train as I kissed her over and over, nipping her bottom lip, then sucking on it before licking back into her mouth to retrace every curve. God, I’d missed her. I needed her. I loved her. She wasn’t the wave or the pylon; she was the entire ocean, as beautiful as she was impossible to fathom. But damn if I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life figuring her out.

Fuck. I broke the kiss and backed off again, but there wasn’t enough room on this deck—hell, in this whole world—to keep me away from her when she said things like that. “You’re supposed to be in New York, rehearsing for a ballet created for you, that’s supposed to open tomorrow night.”

“Correct.” She nodded, dropping her gaze to my mouth. “But I’m not, because I want to be here with you.”

“Yeah, no.” I shook my head. “That doesn’t check out. You don’t walk away from ballets created for you. I have a plane ticket for tomorrow and everything.”

Her smile stopped my heart. “You were coming to see me?”

“Of course I was coming to see you. I wasn’t going to miss your opening night. The opening night you’re missing. And stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” She stepped closer. “Like I want you and finally did something about it? Like I picked up my life and moved it to Alaska?”

“Yep. All of that.” I could have her in bed in under twenty seconds if I had my keys ready.

“Have to say, it’s pretty sexy that you finally went for it.” She looked out over the backyard. “I mean, Sitka.” That damned smile was going to be the death of me. “You got your dream, Hudson.” She took a step my direction.

“Yes and no. You’re my dream, and I put an entire continent between us in order to give you space and time.” I pointed toward Sadie. “So you stand over there and explain why you just walked away from everything you worked your ass off for.”

She arched an eyebrow at me. “Fine, we’ll do it your way. I went back to New York and tried like hell to not think about you, which I failed at, miserably. I went into the Company and . . .” Silence reigned as she looked out over the forest and fought for words. “And felt like I had to be a million different things to a million different people, none of which were actually me. I sat there in the locker room as the other dancers buzzed around me, and all I could think was that I only feel like I’m truly myself, no pretenses or armor, when I’m with you. I hated being there.” Her entire body moved with the breath she took. “So, I left without signing my contract. I don’t care who dances in Equinox, because what does any of it matter if I’m miserable?”

“You are too good to hide out here with me.” It killed me to say it. “The nearest professional company is something like six hundred miles away, Allie.”

“I’m not hiding, Hudson, I’m living. Hopefully with you, though I’m starting to wonder if I overestimated your take-you-however-I-can-get-you mantra.” She folded her arms.

“You can’t quit. Not over me. I refuse to let that happen. Balance, yes. Quit? No.”

She blinked. “Oh, I’m not quitting. I have offers from just about every company I could ever want to dance at.”

“None of which are here.” Holy shit, was I actually trying to talk the love of my life out of being with me?

“Of course not. I’ll be gone for about three weeks at a time for up to three to four times a year, depending on what roles I’m interested in. I’m not signing with a company. I’m officially freelance.” She shrugged. “You get to live your dream, and I get to live mine. Best part is we can do it together. I just need some practice space and to order some equipment. If you’re okay with me living here. If not, I can find a place nearby and we can take it slow.”

“Slow?” I shook my head. “Allie, I’ve loved you for eleven years. Anything less than me waking up next to you every morning would feel fucking glacial.”

Her smile lit up her whole face. “Then wake up to me every morning.”

There had to be a catch. “What about Eva?”

“She needs to find her own sunlight, and you know Anne decided to stay at the cape to be near Juniper.” She tilted her head. “Any other reservations?”

“Besides the obvious?”

“Lina,” she whispered.

I nodded, silently preparing to have my heart ripped out.

“I don’t despise you,” she admitted softly. “Obviously, because I’m here. I’m sorry I said that. It took about three hours for me to realize that my mother put you in a no-win situation and we both suffered for it. And I, of all people, understand what it’s like to get caught up in a lie.” She started twisting Lina’s ring again. “I thought about it, really sat with what it would be like to look at you every day—other than the obvious appeal—and asked myself if the fact that you played a role in one of my tragedies overruled the simple, unshakable truth that I love you, and it doesn’t. It’s not your fault that Lina died, Hudson. You just happened to be there. And because you were, I’m alive.”

My whole body tensed. “Say it again.”

“It’s not your—”

“Not that part.” I closed the distance between us.

“Oh.” She smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I love you. I’m always going to love you. This is me holding on. I don’t want five minutes—I want a lifetime.”

“Every day. Every night. You and me.” I lowered my forehead to hers and let the perfection of it slide through me and settle deep in my bones. “No one walks away. Not ever.”

“That’s what I’m asking.” She brushed her lips against mine. “Can you do that?”

“Yeah. I can do that.” I lifted her into my arms, and she locked her ankles behind my back. “I was born to do exactly that.”