Variation: A Novel

Andreamaaay: At this point I’m starting to wonder if your sister is even alive, RousseauSisters4.

User60981: If not, maybe there’s a place open at the company!

I held my foot under the knee-height shower and rinsed it off, careful not to splash the knee-length hem of my gauzy pink sundress while wiggling my toes to get the sand out from between them. As much as I’d dreaded today, it had actually been . . . fun.

Spending time with a family that clearly loved each other, building a castle with Juniper, even flirting with Hudson—which I’d never thought I’d be brave enough to do—had been a surprisingly good time, and so very different from being with my own.

And I hadn’t thought about ballet, not the heavy parts of it at least, not once. Even showing off for Hudson while I taught Eric had been a blast. I hadn’t dwelled on the speed of my recovery, or stressed that someone was vying for my place, or worried that Vasily might not showcase our ballet if I wasn’t back to full strength. Sure, I’d missed an afternoon workout, but as much as I hesitated to admit—it had been worth it.

It was the perfect balm to soothe the new wounds Mom had inflicted yesterday.

I showered off my other foot, then glanced back at the parking lot. Jessica had swung by to grab Eric after she was done with work, and Hudson wasn’t at the truck yet, which meant he was probably waiting for me. The water stopped on a timer, and I slipped my foot back into my sandal, then headed for the observation deck on the diamond-shaped comfort station, passing four separate entrances to private showers on the left and approaching the point where the building angled.

Only one moment had soured my day, and I still wasn’t sure what to do about what I’d found in Gavin’s car. Or if I had the right or responsibility to do anything at all.

“You said you wouldn’t do this!” Hudson’s voice stopped me in my tracks.

“I said I’d give her a shot, which I did,” Caroline argued, and my heart plummeted.

Maybe they were talking about someone else. There was a chance, right? I pressed my hands against the new siding and stuck close to the building as I peeked around the corner.

“And it’s not that she’s not beautiful, or smart, or good with Juniper—” Caroline continued, looking up at Hudson with a tortured expression.

“I’m well aware of how great Allie is,” he interrupted, folding his arms across his chest.

So much for hoping it wasn’t about me.

“—because she’s all those things. And under any other circumstances, I’d think she’s fabulous.” At least she looked upset about her disapproval.

“Any circumstances that she wasn’t a Rousseau.” He shook his head. “You are un-fucking-believable.”

The happiness of the day faded like it had never been there in the first place. It would always come back to that with her, wouldn’t it? Maybe that was the curse of small towns—you were never allowed to outgrow the part they assigned you.

“The fact that her bloodline is repugnant has nothing to do with what I’m trying to tell you.” She reached for his arm and he stepped back before she could touch him.

Repugnant? My hackles rose. I was a Rousseau. My last name opened doors in every ballet company across the world, and would do the same for Juniper if she wanted it.

“One day, you are going to regret you ever uttered those words,” Hudson vowed, and my stomach churned. Caroline had no idea she was maligning her own daughter.

“Listen to what I’m saying, Hudson. Please.” Her pleading tone hit me straight in the chest. I felt her desperation to reach her brother as if it were my own. “She’s lovely. She’s just not for you.”

My fingernails scraped the siding.

“Don’t start on your she’s-leaving-at-the-end-of-summer bullshit.” He curved the brim of his hat. “We’re fully grown adults capable of making decisions about long-distance relationships, or moving, or a hundred other ways to be with the person you want.”

Damn, he sold it well. And I thought I was a good actor.

“And you think she wants you?” Caroline challenged.

Every muscle in my body locked, and heat flushed my cheeks as though I’d been called out to my face. Wanting Hudson had never been the problem. Him sticking around was the issue.

“Pretty damn sure, and I know Allie better than almost anyone.” A muscle in his jaw ticked, and he shoved his hands into the front pockets of his board shorts. It had been years since I’d seen him lose his temper, but his tells were all the same. He was going to blow.

“You knew her,” she corrected. “You knew her a decade ago. I did some research—”

My stomach abandoned me. What research?

“You fucking what?” He dropped his arms. “If you weren’t my sister, I would be so damned done with you.”

I knew the feeling well.

“She only dates dancers. Only people in her profession, in her elite little level, and in her tax bracket. And you aren’t any of those.”

She found that out on the internet? How much of this was I supposed to just sit here and listen to? Anger simmered in my chest.

“I already know that.” He shrugged, hands still in his pockets. “So what? Until now, I’ve only dated women I knew wouldn’t ask for a ring. Things change, and I don’t give a shit who she’s dated before, because she’s with me now.”

Okay, that was kind of hot. Really hot . . . if we weren’t faking this whole thing.

“She doesn’t want you!” Caroline shouted. “You have to break it off before you get any deeper. I’ve been watching her all day. I watched her at the party too. You touch her, you reach for her hand, you get her food and take care of her, but she doesn’t do the same. Has she invited you to that giant party her ballet company holds every summer?”

I retreated and let my forehead fall against the siding, squeezing my eyes shut as fury burned hotter with every condemnation Caroline spoke, pointing out all the ways I’d already failed Hudson. He’d convinced everyone, and I hadn’t pulled my weight.

“Should. Have. Been. You.” Mom’s words weaseled their way in. Seemed failure was the theme of my week. I’d failed Hudson and Lina, and now I was failing Juniper and Anne.

“We haven’t talked about it yet,” Hudson countered.

“Exactly. Hudson, she doesn’t touch you. I’d even say she goes out of her way to avoid touching you, and that’s not how a woman acts around the man she wants.”

Screw her. That wasn’t a failure; that was on purpose. I did want him, which was why I was careful not to touch him, not to give in to the electricity between us, not to make a mistake that would leave me broken at the end of the summer again. Shit, had I already ruined our scheme because—as usual—I was too careful?

“So, she’s a private person—”

And still, he defended me. Double shit.

“She doesn’t even smile at you! Not once. Maybe you are great friends, and maybe she’s bored or lonely, but I’m telling you that she is not invested in this like you are, and she’s going to break your heart if you don’t end it.”

That’s enough. I pushed off the wall and took a fortifying breath.

“This is the last time we’re discussing this,” Hudson warned. “I’m not breaking up with Allie. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever, if I get a say. Letting her go was the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life, and I’ll be damned if your inability to pull your head out of your ass is going to cost me the only chance I have with her.”

My heart pounded as I stepped away from the wall. It was time to hold up my end of the bargain. Just a role. This is just a role. But it wasn’t.

Forcing my mouth into a soft smile, I rounded the corner. “There you are!”

Hudson blanched. “Alessandra—”

“I was waiting in the truck.” Before I lost the nerve, I walked straight to him, rose up on my toes as high as my ankle would allow, cupped his stubbled face in my hands, and kissed him.

I felt his quick indrawn breath, and prayed I hadn’t taken it too far. We’d never agreed on kissing. Or not kissing. But here I was, pressing my lips against his . . . finally. I lingered for a heartbeat, just long enough for my pulse to leap, for my mouth to register the softness of his, then prepared to retreat and face the consequences of my sneak attack.

His arm wound around my waist, and he kissed me back once, twice, then gently sucked on my bottom lip and dragged his teeth across it, waking every nerve ending in my body and stuttering my breath.

God help me, it was over before I was ready for it to end.

He lifted his head and looked at me like he’d never seen me before. “We’re done talking, Caroline.” His gaze never left mine.

I couldn’t imagine a lifetime when I would ever tire of looking into his eyes.

“Already gone,” she muttered. Her footsteps faded as Hudson and I stood there staring at each other.

“You kissed me.” His focus shifted to my mouth.

“I kissed you.” My voice dropped to a whisper, and my hands slipped from his face. I’d gone too far. “Are you mad?”

“Mad?” He let go of my waist and retreated a step, putting some space between us. “I’m feeling a lot of things right now, but I’m not sure about anger. Depends on how you answer this: Did you hear that argument?”

“Yes.” Anyone else, I would have hesitated, pondered what answer they wanted to hear, but I’d agreed to tell him the truth.

“Fuck.” He leaned back against the railing and yanked his hat backward. “You kissed me because you were pissed at Caroline.”

“Yes.” The breeze picked up, and I pinned the hem of my sundress to my thighs. “Kind of.”

A family with two young children climbed the steps from the beach and headed for the overlook, stopping to admire the view about ten feet away.

Hudson muttered a curse, then pushed off the railing, grabbing my hand as he walked by. “We’re not having this conversation out here.”

My heart galloped as I followed him down the side of the building, and through the first door he opened. You were playing a role. But was I? Chaotic, complicated feelings rose, and I scrambled to construct the defenses that kept me alive, but it was impossible when my lips still tingled from that kiss.

He dropped my hand and flicked the light switch, illuminating the private shower room with its teal and bright-white tiles, then closed the door and locked it. The sound of the latch reverberated in my head.

We were alone, which meant I had to choose if I was going to play the role and laugh off what just happened or be truthful and give him a genuine piece of me, knowing I might never get it back.

“You heard what she said and wanted to prove a point.” He slipped his hands into his pockets and leaned back against the door.

“Yes.” It was the truth. Mostly.

The muscle in his jaw ticked, and he knocked the back of his head against the door as he looked up at the ceiling.

“I’m guessing this means you’re angry now.” Where had all my earlier bravado fled to? God, it was so much easier when I could tell myself we were pretending, but it felt too real in this little room.

“That was not how our first kiss should have happened.”

“Never thought you were the romantic type.” The joke fell flat.

“I’ve waited eleven years to kiss you.” Inch by inch, he lowered his head, pinning me in place with those sea green eyes. “Eleven years of thinking what it would be like to cross that line, imagining all the ways—” He shook his head. “Did you even want it? Or was it just to prove her wrong?”

“You thought about kissing me for eleven years?” My chest tightened.

“Yes. Did. You. Want. It?” he repeated.

Now was most definitely the time to protect myself and lie. But I couldn’t. Not to Hudson.

“Yes.” My confession echoed off the tile. “Why do you think I got away from you so quickly when we were out there in the water? I’m not supposed to want to kiss you. This is fake, remember?”

“Not right now, it isn’t.” His eyes darkened, and my pulse jumped.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Warmth prickled my cheeks. He’d never looked at me like that before, like I was someone he wanted—no, craved. In fact, I wasn’t sure any of the men I’d been with had ever looked at me with such blatant need.

“It means I want five minutes.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and worked the screen.

“Where we’re pretending what?” I folded my arms and fought to control my racing heart. “That I don’t hate you? That this arrangement is real? What roles are we playing?” Any mask was better than none.

“Five minutes where we don’t pretend. Just you and me.” He showed me the timer and clicked Start. Numbers started flying as it counted down, and he slipped it back into his pocket. “Can you do that?”

“Five minutes.” I fisted handfuls of my sundress just to make sure I wasn’t as naked as I suddenly felt. “Fine. No pretending.”

He nodded. “Now would be the time to leave if you don’t want this.” He pushed off the door and stalked forward slowly, giving me ample time to go. To protest. I did neither.

Lifting my chin, I retreated a step, bumping into the sink as he reached me.

“You’re still here.” He put his hands on either side of me, trapping me between his arms, then leaning into my space.

“I’m still here.” My gaze dropped to his mouth as I struggled to breathe. I should go, yet I couldn’t bring myself to walk out that door. “What do you want, Hudson?”

“I want that first kiss.” He cradled my cheek and skimmed his thumb over my lower lip. “Do you?”

“It’s a bad idea.” Oh God.

“Do you?” he repeated.

Kissing him—really kissing him—would be totally, utterly reckless, and that word never applied to me. But I wanted to kiss him more than I wanted the safety of my solitude. I looked up into his eyes and unfolded my arms, placing my hands on his chest. “Yes.”

“Allie.” He whispered my name as he lowered his head.

Then his hand slid to the back of my neck, and he kissed me.

Yes. This was exactly what I’d wanted, his mouth moving over mine, with mine, the pressure achingly sweet. He stroked the center of my bottom lip with his tongue, and I opened for him.

He groaned, and we descended into pure madness. He consumed me with deft strokes of his tongue along mine, laying claim to every sensitive line of my mouth and wrecking my carefully constructed world.

My hands rushed over his shirt and around his neck, pulling him closer. Electricity raced across my skin, and I kissed him back with a decade’s worth of longing as heat exploded between us, untamed and dangerously volatile. His grip shifted to just beneath my ass, and he lifted me onto the edge of the sink, keeping his mouth sealed over mine, robbing me of thought and logic and replacing them with urgency and a need I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to sate.

Holy shit, he was good at this.

He parted my thighs and moved between them, bringing our mouths together again and again, weaving his fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck and tilting my head for a deeper angle. A few seconds was all it took for the kiss to spin out of control, and we let it. We pushed it with questing hands and stuttered breaths, too desperate for more to stop for such a trivial thing as air.

I nipped his bottom lip.

He sucked my tongue into his mouth, and I moaned.

I knocked his hat off and ran my fingers through his hair, holding his head against mine.

He skimmed his hand under my dress and along my outer thigh, then grasped my hip, and then he pulled me tighter against him. Oh God. He was hard and hot, and so right there.

“Hudson,” I whimpered, and he responded by kissing me harder, deeper, longer, until I knew his mouth like my own, and the taste of salt and Hudson was branded into my memory.

Yes. So much yes. This was what a kiss was supposed to feel like. How had I lived twenty-seven years without experiencing this kind of heart-pounding rush? This overwhelming hunger? I wanted him. I needed him. He was heat and warmth, and I’d been so damned cold for too long. He could have asked for anything, and I would have given it as long as he didn’t stop kissing me. I wanted to give it, wanted to feel every inch of his skin against mine, wanted him to shove the fabric of my swimsuit to the side and touch me.

I wanted everything.

He ripped his mouth from mine only to kiss a path down my throat, returning to the places that made me gasp, sucking where I moaned. My fingernails bit into the back of his neck as his lips skimmed my collarbone, and I rocked my hips, making us both moan at the friction.

This wasn’t chemistry. This was combustion. And I was here for it.

“So fucking mine,” he whispered before claiming my mouth again.

I hooked my ankle around the small of his back, and his grip tightened on my hip as I kissed him again and again, like I could fit eleven years of fantasies into this single moment.

Eleven years. We could have had this—had each other—for all that time.

But he’d left. Without a word. Like our years of friendship meant nothing.

I cried out at the sudden pain in my chest, and Hudson broke the kiss, both of us panting hard as his eyes searched mine.

“Allie?”

My vision wavered and my eyes stung. “You broke my heart. Maybe we were just friends, but you broke my heart.”

His chest heaved as he dropped his forehead against mine, his fingers gently stroking the back of my neck. “I know.”

“How could you do that to me?” I should have pushed him away, but I tugged him closer instead, like holding on to him now could somehow have forced him to stay back then.

“I’m so fucking sorry.” He pressed a hard kiss to my forehead. “So sorry.”

The alarm went off in his pocket.

“Shit.” He retrieved the phone and silenced the alarm.

Five minutes. Was that all it had been? How had he unraveled me so completely in only five freaking minutes? What could have happened in another five? Why was I so damned weak when it came to him?

“Allie.” He tried to catch my gaze, but I wouldn’t give it to him.

My hands fell to his chest, and I pushed. “Time’s up.”

His frustrated sigh filled the room, but he stepped aside, offering me a hand down from the sink. I ignored it and slid off on my own, then walked straight out of the room on trembling legs.

That can’t happen again. I repeated the words over and over in my head as Hudson drove me home in what was arguably the most tense, silent car ride of my life. Why had I done that?

Hudson pulled up in front of my house, and I grabbed my beach bag and reached for the door handle.

“Are we going to be okay?” he asked as I shoved the door open.

“There’s no real us, remember?” I climbed down from the truck. “But if you’re asking if I’m going to punish Jupiter for my asinine decisions, then of course not.” Using my elbow, I shut the truck’s door, then started up the porch steps.

You only have to hold it together until you’re inside.

The screen door creaked as I opened it, and to my surprise, Sadie didn’t come running from whatever she’d inevitably chewed to death. I dropped my beach bag on the entry floor, and deflated, my composure completely deserting me, leaving me as raw as an exposed wire.

Five minutes was all it had taken him to strip away the walls I’d built over the years, the illusion that anger and apathy were the only emotions I could have when it came to Hudson.

I opened my eyes at the clicking sound of Sadie’s nails on the hardwood, and turned right toward the living room.

Kenna stood in the doorway, wearing a chocolate-colored sleeveless blouse a shade lighter than her crossed arms and a fuck-with-me-I-dare-you expression, a single black eyebrow arched, while Sadie wagged her tail by her side. “Told you I’d send a search party.”

She was here. My closest friend had ignored the declined calls, the unreturned text messages, and she’d brought herself all the way from New York when she had an entire ballet company whose orthopedic care she oversaw. She was here, polished and put together, and I was a fucking wreck.

I crumpled, covering my face with my hands.

Kenna sighed. “Well. Shit.”